If Newton was alive to see this I’m sure he would have an ulcer or two.  You know what’s the most fascinating part about the laws of physics being violated in video games?  No gamer will actually catch on unless you really spend the time to think about it.  Basically, I had nothing to do, so I thought up this Top 5ive list.  Let’s get started.

5.) Bowser’s Koopa Clown Car

How does a flying car that large manage to stay afloat through the use of a tiny propeller?  Not only that, but that insignificant propeller also manages to keep the car afloat despite Bowser’s massive weight.  It’s mind-boggling alright.  Lolwut indeed.

4.) Floating Mario Blocks

Ignoring the walking evil mushroom and Mario’s uncanny ability to jump incredibly high, these floating blocks that litter Mario’s world spit on physics and everything it stands for.  There’s a saying: the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.  In Mario’s world, the apple would probably not fall and the tree would most likely be suspended in mid air for all of eternity.

3.) Sliding

Okay, so sliding by nature is not an impossible feat.  Baseball players do it all the time, correct?  However, there’s a slight difference between the world of reality and the world of video games.  In video games, one can slide without any momentum at all.  Take Kirby for example.  All he has to do is crouch and he can manage to propel himself forward by sliding.  Try sliding when you’re at a standstill.  Impossible, no?

2.) Drifting Makes You Faster

The next time you’re in a street race, learn to drift.  Consecutive drifts (known as “snaking” in Mario Kart) allow you to move much faster.  The mastermind behind this drifting nonsense needs to have his head examined.  The fastest way between two points is a straight line.  Mario and his friends seem to disagree.

1.) The Famous “Double-Jump”

Ah, the classic double jump.  Jump once when you are on the ground and jump again while you are in midair.  This technique is shared by numerous video game characters.  Apparently it’s quite easy to learn.  Oh, but the fun doesn’t stop there.  Some characters can have triple jumps if not more.  Physics be damned!

Hope you’re all feeling the holiday spirit!

Happy Holidays from the Hidden Palace Zone!  To celebrate this joyous time of year, we will be taking a much needed vacation starting on December 24th and continuing up until January 4th.  Postings will resume on January 5th.

What does this mean for you?  While we’re gone, browse through our archives and sing Christmas carols about your favorite obscure video game comedy blog (aka the Hidden Palace Zone).  Tell your family about us while enjoying your Christmas/Hanukah/Kwanzaa cookies and a nice glass of cold milk.

Anyway, have a safe and fun holiday and a Happy New Year as well.  See you in 2009!

With all the hype over bottled water, it’s nice to see a new competitor.  DC Spring takes a new approach towards making water; the result is truly where man meets nature.

One need not read far into the Soul Calibur application process to see why it raises some issues.  As time goes on, more and more complaints are filed stating that the review process is discriminatory in nature.  How so you may ask?  We weren’t sure ourselves, so we got a hold of the application to see what all the fuss was about.

There were three types of applications to choose from.  One for males, one for females, and one for non-human, weapon-wielding combat creatures.  Out of those three applications, only one of them raised issues.  Yes, I’m talking about the female application of course.  Here’s a scan of part of the Soul Calibur female application:

Ok, so it may seem shallow to some, but it’s not illegal or anything.  I mean, the Soul Calibur application seems similar to a Hooters application in all reality.  Nothing wrong with that, right? 

That’s right, it’s finals week.  At least for me.  Just one more day and these posts will finally be able to start coming from a lonely, darkened living room, as opposed to a lonely, darkened dorm room.Do you people still like Guitar Hero?  Do you people still like Metallica?  I’m pretty sure you’ll find a few who fall into both camps, so in that case tell them about Guitar Hero: Metallica.  It’s coming out sometime in the first quarter of next year for each of the current consoles (and in this case PS2 counts).  Well, for the price of Rock Band 2 or Guitar Hero: World Tour, you could’ve bought an actual guitar, but hey, I won’t mention it.

How about some music to distract you?

HPZ 12/18

Dinosaur Jr. - “Just Like Heaven”: A live recording of a Cure cover.  Better than the original?  You decide.

Explosions in the Sky - “A Song for Our Fathers”: Not a good band for those with a short attention span, but great for the rest of us.

Scott Weiland - “Barbarella”: His first solo album was a surprising turn from the hard rock/grunge-thing he’d done in Stone Temple pilots.  There’s a pretty noticeable Bowie influence in this one.

Creedence Clearwater Revival - “Up Around the Bend”: The only CCR song they play at Shop-Rite.  I’d better get ready for it.

Sonic Youth - “‘Cross the Breeze”: I need to shower, so I’ll stop now.

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Resident Evil 5 hits North American shores on March 13th, 2009 (Friday the 13th).  I personally cannot wait, especially after playing the demo.

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When we heard that Electronic Arts is transforming Dante’s Inferno into a video game, we unanimously exclaimed, “WTF?!”  Did the folks at EA take a look at one of our “Classic Literature FPSs” articles or something?  The idea certainly is bizarre, but maybe, just maybe, EA can pull it off.

Ok, so we didn’t see much gameplay, but what we saw looked promising.  Apparently, you can attack baddies with a nice looking crucifix.  That’s right.  Beat the heathens with the power of Christ!  Who knows?  Perhaps the Good Book could be used as a secondary weapon.  It’s certainly large enough.

You’ll need all the weapons you can get in order to survive the nine circles of hell: limbo, lust, gluttony, greed, wrath, heresy, violence, fraud, and treachery.  The game is set to release sometime in 2009.  After this is done, I want a game based on George Orwell’s 1984.  Make it happen EA!

By now, most are familiar with Xbox Live’s Achievement system, which rewards gamers with intangible “Achievement Points” for completing specific tasks within every game.  However, Microsoft has decided to add more variety to Xbox Live by introducing the Fail system, designed to work in perfect balance with gamers’ Achievements.

One highly touted feature of the Fail system is that Fails and Achievements will be harmonized, with Fails subtracting points and Achievements still adding.  We still don’t know exactly what kinds of Fails are to be expected, but Microsoft has let slip a few.

People playing GTA IV are now penalized for picking up hookers past 2AM…because seriously, we all know why you’re doing it.  You filthy, filthy person.  But hey, you can redeem yourself by giving the lady of the night a dirt nap after she leaves your car.  Also, anyone above the age of 40 playing Viva Piñata is given the special “Closet Pedophile” Fail.

This week in video game news…

Nintendo

Wii Shortages this Holiday Season… Again

You would think that after 2 holiday seasons (not including the current third) that a Wii would be relatively easy to come by.  Unfortunately for you (if you or someone you know wants a Wii), Nintendo expects more shortages for this holiday season.  I suppose pumping out 2.4 million consoles a month just doesn’t cut it.  If you want a Wii, start searching now before it’s too late.

Sony

Playstation Home Invades Homes

The much anticipated Playstation Home service was released yesterday worldwide.  According to Junji “JB” Shoda, a Sony Computer Entertainment Japan vice president, PS Home “is a community for gamers.”  “It’s meant to enrich the interactive experience for gamers.”  Most of you (who have been dying of anticipation I’m sure) have probably downloaded this free service already, which was supposed to debut in 2007.  However, after two delays, it’s finally here, so enjoy.

Microsoft

NXE Increases Xbox Live Interest

The New Xbox Experience seems to have a positive effect on Xbox Live interest.  After the release of the NXE, movie downloads for one increased by 49% week on week.  Sales from the Xbox Live Arcade tripled after the launch of the NXE.  What does product manager Aaron Greenberg think?  “I think we are bringing a much broader audience into the experience…We’ve made the Xbox easier to navigate and that’s resulted in people buying new content.”  Time will tell whether his beliefs are right.