I’m sure I’m not the only fan of Oven Man. Anyone who plays Resident Evil 4 should know who he is. He is none other than that flame-covered guy who jumps out of the oven in that little house. Oven Man is one of the lesser-known RE4 characters that makes everyone’s day a little brighter. Literally. Seriously, the guy is on fire.

When I was given the opportunity to interview this man, I grabbed my fire extinguisher and made my way to his little shack. This is what he had to say.

Me: So how long have you been trapped in that oven?
Oven Man: Trapped? Who ever said I was trapped? I enjoy being in that oven. Why else would I try to kill that American fellow that opened the door on me?

Me: Wait… So you enjoy being incinerated?
Oven Man: That is correct. The outside world is much too cold for me. Plus, since I’m on fire, I’m never in the dark. Ever since the Boogey Man jumped out of my closet when I was a kid, I’ve been terrified of the dark.

Me: So I guess that means you wouldn’t want me to put out the fire with this lovely fire extinguisher I have with me?
Oven Man: Oh, heavens no!

Me: So, besides roasting yourself, what do you like to do for fun?
Oven Man: In my spare time, I enjoy reading. Charles Dickens and John Steinbeck are among my favorites. I also enjoy listening to Mozart, knitting socks for the homeless, and, when I’m in the mood, letting the local children roast marshmallows on me.

Me: That’s certainly not what one would expect from someone who lives in an oven.
Oven Man: I suppose not. Being alone in there really gave me a lot of time to think, though. I’ve even figured out the meaning of life, as well as the answer to that ridiculous question about the chicken and the egg.

Me: Would you care to enlighten the rest of us?
Oven Man: No, I’d rather not. I spent ten years in that oven meditation on those things. I worked to find those answers. Why would I tell you when you have made no effort to figure it out for yourself?

Me: You have a point.
Oven Man: Indeed, I do.

At this point in the interview, an American man with flawless hair entered the room. Oven Man then proceeded to speak in Spanish and kill the man.

Oven Man: I’m terribly sorry about that. I simply can not tolerate that man.
Me: Why is that?
Oven Man: You see, Leon (I’m assuming Leon was the man who was just murdered by Oven Man) and I used to be old chaps. Then one day, after using some of his magic herbs, the fool threw me into the ocean, which caused my fire to go out. That was the scariest moment of my life. Everything was so dark…

At this point, Oven Man seemed to be in a trance. He kept muttering things like “mermaids” and “Kraken.” After waiting for him to snap out of it for a while, I decided it would be best to just shove him back into his oven and be on my way.