Two Likely Diagnoses for Shigeru Miyamoto

If you haven’t realized by now, Miyamoto is f*cking nuts.  If you aren’t convinced, or have no idea who Miyamoto is, simply read on!  We at Hidden Palace Zone are also (un)certified psychologists; it’s one of our hobbies, just like our roadside hot dog/abortion stand we set up last month.  Here are the two most probable causes of Miyamoto’s insanity.

1. Excessive use of psychedelic drugs

Some call Shigeru Miyamoto a genius.  However, considering that his first game, Donkey Kong, was intended to “mirror the love triangle that exists in the Popeye comics” (thanks, Wikipedia), but with the ape Donkey Kong holding the innocent Pauline captive (most likely to engage in what Miyamoto himself called “ape rape”), and a guy originally called JumpMan trying to rescue her, you really have to wonder exactly how many hits of acid it took for him to think up that doozy.  Pikmin?  We aren’t even going to analyze why Miyamoto has such a massive interest in horticulture.

Can you guess Miyamoto’s favorite drug?  Here’s a hint, think of some prominent features of the Mario franchise: Mushroom Kingdom, use of mushrooms to grow higher, Toad and the entire species of Mushroom People.

2. Alzheimer’s Disease

It’s pretty likely that Miyamoto’s been going through the early stages of Alzheimer’s since the 80’s.  Keep in mind that one of the earliest and most characteristic symptoms of the disease is memory loss.  Now take a look at some of the games making up his resume…

Mario Franchise:
•    Donkey Kong – Donkey Kong kidnaps Pauline, Mario must rescue her

•    Super Mario Bros. – Bowser kidnaps Princess Toadstool, Mario must rescue her
•    Super Mario Bros.: The Lost Levels (aka SMB 2 in Japan) – Bowser kidnaps Princess Toadstool, Mario must rescue her
•    Super Mario Land – Tatanga kidnaps Princess Daisy, Mario must rescue her
•    Super Mario World – Bowser kidnaps Princess Toadstool, Mario must rescue her
•    Super Mario 64 – Considered massive step forward for franchise; Bowser holds Princess Peach hostage in her castle; Mario must rescue her
•    Super Mario Sunshine – “Shadow Mario” kidnaps Princess Peach, Mario must rescue her
•    Super Mario Galaxy – Bowser kidnaps Princess Peach; Mario discovers LSD

Zelda Franchise:
•    The Legend of Zelda – Ganon kidnaps Princess Zelda, Link must rescue her
•    Zelda II: The Adventure of Link – “Black sheep” of series; Zelda falls under sleeping spell; Link must rescue her
•    The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time – Princess Zelda helps Link rescue Hyrule, is then kidnapped by Ganondorf, Link must rescue her
•    The Legend of Zelda: Oracle of Seasons – Onox kidnaps Din, Link must rescue her
•    The Legend of Zelda: Oracle of Ages: Veran kidnaps Impa, Link must rescue her
•    Linked ending for Oracle of Seasons and Oracle of Ages – Twinrova kidnaps Zelda, Link must rescue her

That’s it; I wasted about twenty minutes looking this last part up.  I hate you, Miyamoto.