To those early adopters of the Nintendo DSi, you must be feeling a little overwhelmed by the manual packaged in every box.  It is an all-encompassing manual alright.  We can’t even begin to describe it to you, but we’ll try our best at deciphering the manual for those who can’t understand.

Using a magical floating hand to rub toxic chemicals on a DSi is not advised.

Hallucinating?  Seeing more than one DSi hinge and a weird floating red arrow?  Lay off of those toxic chemicals we mentioned before.

Grandmas are sweet, but their spit is not.  Keep out of reach of children and spitting grandmas.

Being assaulted by a dangerous baby?  Take a picture with the DSi’s built in camera.  Use it as evidence in the court of law!

Keep out of sunlight.  The best place to play videogames is none other than the dark sanctuary of your bedroom.  Gamers should not venture into the light, let alone bring their new, shiny, portable electronics device with them.

Waving your magical finger on the DSi will not turn the system on.  This is not Aladdin’s magic lamp.

We know.  The stock markets suck.  Keep your charts (and reality) off my DSi!

Those with electrified fingernails should not be permitted to play the DSi.  Hell, they should not even be permitted to leave their houses.  Freaks…

By the way, the DSi bites.  Be careful about that.

It’ll bite your ass… seriously.