Combining their tendency for milking the f*ck out of cash-cow franchises and releasing countless remakes, Nintendo has decided to remake Pokemon Crystal to appeal to a different demographic: Midwestern meth-heads.  The new version, entitled Pokemon: Crystal Meth version, is set to release early next year, with a free package of Sudafed included in the first 1,000 shipments.

Gameplay is expected to follow the usual Pokemon template, but with minor aesthetic changes.  For instance, Pokemon gyms are renamed dens, and the reward for defeating the gym leader is cash, rather than a badge.  Professor Oak remains your trusted dealer, and the goal of the game is to train your Pokemon to be the greatest meth-cookers in all the land, thereby securing your fortune.